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New York Times Op-Ed: Domestic Violence Intervention
24 images
Created 25 Mar 2019
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![DOMINICK, 27<br />
<br />
You know I remember to this day, I honestly remember this, my little sister is four or three. Her going into the dryer and [my mom and her boyfriend] put it on and all I remember hearing is ca-clunk, ca-clunk. They tried to do it to me they tried to put me in the dryer, trying, trying, I’m so scared I’m like I’m not going to let them, and they’re like oh this fucker’s tough we can’t get him in there so they duct taped me to a bed for two days.<br />
<br />
My mom, she’s a horrible person. She is worse than any person I’ve ever met in my life, and it’s sad because I want her to change. I don’t really think about it too much because it’s too hard you know. I don’t really tell too many people about it either because it is kind of embarrassing. Just like when my girlfriend said in the police statement that it was embarrassing I spit on her, and I kind of felt how she feels, you know. To be embarrassed from someone doing something wrong to you.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000ijsrbMLmGAI/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000ijsrbMLmGAI.jpg)
![DOMINICK, 27<br />
<br />
You know I remember to this day, I honestly remember this, my little sister is four or three. Her going into the dryer and [my mom and her boyfriend] put it on and all I remember hearing is ca-clunk, ca-clunk. They tried to do it to me they tried to put me in the dryer, trying, trying, I’m so scared I’m like I’m not going to let them, and they’re like oh this fucker’s tough we can’t get him in there so they duct taped me to a bed for two days.<br />
<br />
My mom, she’s a horrible person. She is worse than any person I’ve ever met in my life, and it’s sad because I want her to change. I don’t really think about it too much because it’s too hard you know. I don’t really tell too many people about it either because it is kind of embarrassing. Just like when my girlfriend said in the police statement that it was embarrassing I spit on her, and I kind of felt how she feels, you know. To be embarrassed from someone doing something wrong to you.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000DS5.iFnEppM/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000DS5.iFnEppM.jpg)
![RODNEY, 51<br />
<br />
If you're in that kind of relationship man you’ve got to get out. Out immediately, out before something bad happens, you know, [before] you kill somebody...What would I have done if I would have killed her that night? I would be sitting in prison. My kids would never see me again. How do you deal with that? <br />
<br />
The best thing, go there and just be honest. Just tell it the way it is. Don’t go there and try to sugarcoat it, ‘oh I didn’t do this and I didn't do that.’ I just told it the way it is.<br />
<br />
I would be receptive to somebody that talked to me letting me know of a situation that they had been in and what it did to them. Because of what they had done. And probably somebody that would slap me in the head and get off the goddamn booze, you know. But I would want somebody who really knew what they were talking about.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000RyJYGUbuHuI/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000RyJYGUbuHuI.jpg)
![RODNEY, 51<br />
<br />
If you're in that kind of relationship man you’ve got to get out. Out immediately, out before something bad happens, you know, [before] you kill somebody...What would I have done if I would have killed her that night? I would be sitting in prison. My kids would never see me again. How do you deal with that? <br />
<br />
The best thing, go there and just be honest. Just tell it the way it is. Don’t go there and try to sugarcoat it, ‘oh I didn’t do this and I didn't do that.’ I just told it the way it is.<br />
<br />
I would be receptive to somebody that talked to me letting me know of a situation that they had been in and what it did to them. Because of what they had done. And probably somebody that would slap me in the head and get off the goddamn booze, you know. But I would want somebody who really knew what they were talking about.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000jiSvOfxjVOQ/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000jiSvOfxjVOQ.jpg)
![TYLER, 26<br />
<br />
In the military I was in charge of seven soldiers and I was direct. Brutal. It’s how you’re trained to be. This doesn’t translate though in the civilian world, especially with someone you love. You know it wasn’t until this class I realized how verbally abusive I’ve been my entire life – to every girl I’ve ever been with. <br />
<br />
This [batterer intervention] class has opened my eyes to a lot of things. When I pictured it in my head, I pictured these big beer gutted dudes with wife beater shirts on. But after learning more about it, 1 in 3 women, there’s not that many of those guys out there. It’s not like they’re all from trailer parks. 1 in 3 women – that means there’s a lot of guys just like me.<br />
<br />
My definition of a man has completely changed in the past year. I don’t know if I’m a man yet based on that definition.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000vakfnCIRDv8/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000vakfnCIRDv8.jpg)
![TYLER, 26<br />
<br />
In the military I was in charge of seven soldiers and I was direct. Brutal. It’s how you’re trained to be. This doesn’t translate though in the civilian world, especially with someone you love. You know it wasn’t until this class I realized how verbally abusive I’ve been my entire life – to every girl I’ve ever been with. <br />
<br />
This [batterer intervention] class has opened my eyes to a lot of things. When I pictured it in my head, I pictured these big beer gutted dudes with wife beater shirts on. But after learning more about it, 1 in 3 women, there’s not that many of those guys out there. It’s not like they’re all from trailer parks. 1 in 3 women – that means there’s a lot of guys just like me.<br />
<br />
My definition of a man has completely changed in the past year. I don’t know if I’m a man yet based on that definition.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000dQLgp7u2jhs/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000dQLgp7u2jhs.jpg)
![DAKOTA, 24<br />
<br />
Before all this happened, I wasn’t happy. I did worry a lot. You always have to ask yourself, could you possibly do better if you weren’t with that person? Let it be a man or a woman that’s going through the same thing. Are you happy? Do you think you could do better on your own? Are you willing to take that risk? I could tell [potential perpetrators]: you’re going to go through probation, you’re going to have to go take classes. You’re going to have to tell everyone you lost your job because you went to jail. It’s never any fun getting put in handcuffs and have to go to court and your dad and sister are seeing you in an orange jumpsuit with handcuffs on. <br />
<br />
I feel guilt as in what could I have done differently to not have ended up where I am. What could I have done to save my marriage? What could I have done differently to make her happy? To make myself happy but still be there? But at the end of the day I feel guilty because now my son has to deal with this, constantly going back and forth between mommy and daddy and not understanding what’s going on, it’s not his fault. But you have to wonder does he think it’s his fault? I look at him and he looks so much like me, I just want him to be so much better than I am.](https://www.laurenjustice.com/img-get2/I0000Z34yFN6G_Mo/fit=180x180/fill=/g=G0000zTtup3rgtOM/I0000Z34yFN6G_Mo.jpg)
